Artemis Interacts with the General Public
by Dlvvanzor
Summary: Artemis interacts with the general public.
1. Second Place Stan

Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl.

Stan was the smartest guy in the class. No question. And this was saying something, because it was an elite school. He took his title very seriously, and no one even tried to challenge it.

Then, like Stan's own personal demon, Artemis Fowl was transferred into his school.

Suddenly, Stan was only second. Second was good, but it was a second that might as well have been last with how far away it was from first.

Artemis could (but didn't) answer the question before the teacher was done asking. He completed tests before the teacher was finished passing them out, and of course had yet to get less than 100 percent. His handwriting was beautiful. He didn't study, and he finished all his homework, always, in class. He'd already read all the books they had to read for English class. He already knew French and Spanish like a native. And Russian, and German... His essays were worthy of publishing. No one talked to him, but no one bothered him, either. And of course, to top it all off, every guy in their all-boys school that swung that way was completely crazy for him. But of course Artemis wasn't interested. Naturally. Stan lost to a guy who didn't even want all the other guy's attention.

After class, Stan marched up to him. The only way to beat him would be to get him flustered. If he said no, he'd at least be caught off-guard. If he said yes, Stan's status would go up a LOT. Win-win situation.

He put both hands on Artemis's desk and stared him in the eye. "Go out with me."

Artemis stared back. To Stan's horror, Artemis looked completely calm. "Why?"

Crap.

"We're the two smartest people in this school, including the teachers. It's only natural."

Artemis steepled his fingers. His icy blue eyes pierced Stan's brown eyes. "You are so far from my type that I can not begin to explain it to you. You are male, firstly, and secondly, there is nothing about your personality that I could find even moderately desirable."

Okay... ouch...

"And, of course, you are human," he added, as if to himself.

"_What_?"

"Never mind. It is immaterial."

Stan fumed. This had not gone his way at all.

"That is all," Artemis said.

Stan nodded and stalked away.

Stupid sexy Artemis Fowl.


	2. Old Cat Ladies

**A/N: Artemis is going to be fairly OOC, but that's supposed to happen. : )**

Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl.

Artemis was grocery shopping. Yes, grocery shopping. In a store. With other people. _Normal_ people.

One such normal person was a little old lady he managed to get caught behind. It took all of his exceptional self control to talk himself out of just mowing the woman down. It was not physically possible to go slower than she was while still being in motion.

And, of course, she was right in the middle of the aisle.

It occurred to him to back out and go to another aisle. He turned around to do so. To his despair, there was another old woman behind him. How had this happened? He was smarter than this!

He sighed and resigned, memorizing the brand labels of the cat food he was now forced to look at.

Then the one behind him decided to start a conversation. "So, dear, what grade are you in?"

More complicated of a question that she could ever know. He picked a grade. "I'm a sophomore."

"Do you have your driver's permit yet?"

He sighed. "No, ma'am." But he could fly a helicopter. She didn't need to know that, though.

"That's nice, dear. Do you have a girlfriend?"

Annoying old lady questions! Minerva? Holly? Juliet? Those were the only females he knew and wasn't related to. Did any of them count?

"No ma'am."

"Well, don't rush it. There's plenty of time."

"Yes ma'am."

Alright. This had to stop. The mind-numbing madness had to cease and desist immediately. He unleashed his vampire smile on her. "So, tell me about yourself."

He saw her shiver, and hesitate. "Oh... um... I just realized I left the stove on! I have to go. Goodbye, dear."

"Goodbye. See you later."

She hurried away, and Artemis gratefully left the cat food aisle.


	3. Doctors

Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl.

Artemis scowled. "Butler, honestly. What are we doing here? This is completely ridiculous. I am in perfect health." The young man shifted on the crinkly white paper upon which he sat.

Butler rolled his dark eyes. "Artemis, all due respect, but you are nowhere near perfect health."

The boy sighed, but conceded. "I am not _ill_, Butler, and I do not understand why I am here."

"You know you have an appointment."

Of course he knew. He was, after all, Artemis Fowl. And he had made the routine appointment himself.

So, yes. He did understand why he was here, thanks.

Problem was, he _hated_ the doctor.

Not so much the doctor, really. More like the fact that the doctor, supposedly so very educated, knew what Artemis considered to be next to nothing. He himself had gone through medical school online, and passed the MCAT with a perfect score. _This_ doctor, Artemis believed, had learned medicine from a surgery-themed video game.

Doctor Warton entered the room at that point, greeting the youth and his large companion with a well-groomed smile. Artemis nodded curtly in response as the doctor sat on the chair across from the bed/table Artemis was on.

"Artemis Fowl Junior, correct?" he said, his voice as well-groomed as his smile, which, to Artemis' annoyance, was still pasted to his face.

"The second, if you please," the boy replied icily.

The doctor didn't seem to notice the icicles now encrusting his well-plucked eyebrows as he nodded pleasantly. "The second, then. Well, Master Fowl, I have to ask you some general questions now. They may be considered personal, so if you would like your father to step out..."

Butler didn't move, and made it clear that he did not intend to.

"Ah... well, um, then..." The doctor shook his head to clear it. "First question-"

"Yes, no, no, no, no, no, fourteen, yes, no, rarely, never," Artemis answered abruptly, arms crossed over his chest.

The doctor stared at him. "W-what?"

"I have memorized the questions you ask here. Those are my answers to them. You may feel free to ask them individually, but I can assure you that my answers will remain the same."

The doctor scribbled furiously, then stared at his clipboard for a moment. "Okay, well, I'll take your-"

"Blood pressure? I checked it as I sat here waiting for you. I also weighed myself. Butler can confirm both of these things. Both are normal."

Befuddled, the doctor said, "Well, then, I suppose we're done here."

Artemis stood up, smiling his vampire smile. Without another word, and with only a nod to Butler, Artemis Fowl took his leave.

Doctor Warton stared at the door for a long time.


	4. Bad Dates

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

* * *

"And then, like, my brother was like, 'I'm gonna beat you up!' and the guy was like, 'Chill, I just wanna take her to prom!' and my sister was like, 'Danny, just let me go with him!' and my brother was like..."

Artemis was certain- _certain_- that he was actually losing brain cells because of this girl, and if he didn't know that Butler had bugged him he'd have said something intimidating and brilliant enough to have her collecting her oversized purse and scurrying away. Sadly, he _did_ know that Butler had bugged him, because he was Artemis Fowl and he knew everything.

So he had to listen to the smallest, most benign details of this dull girl's stunningly uneventful life.

Or, at least, _pretend_ to listen. And he was very good at it.

Artemis mentally sighed, nodding at something she said because he felt like he should. The girl tittered on for a while, and Artemis took the opportunity to send angry thoughts Butler's way.

He understood where the bodyguard was coming from. Attempting to socialize him, maybe even get him a girlfriend and draw his attention to a girl who was a little more age and species appropriate...

The genius was unsure why Butler bothered. It wasn't like he had never been on a date before. He had. Once. And it had been enough for him to be able to say he'd had the experience, _and_ enough for him to know that he didn't want to experience it _again_.

...The girl had stopped talking.

"I apologize, could you repeat that last part?"

"I said, 'what do you think?'"

Damn.

Thinking quickly, Artemis tried to look like he was seriously considering what had been said. "I agree with _you_," he finally offered.

Seemingly satisfied by that, the girl succeeded in babbling through the rest of the exceedingly long date.

Artemis was greatly relieved when he arrived back at Fowl Manor.

He rounded on Butler the moment the door was closed behind them. In his most serious, confident, cold voice, Artemis looked the mammoth right in the eyes and said, "Never. Again."

Butler nodded repeatedly. Sometimes, even _he_ was afraid of Artemis Fowl II.


	5. Worse Grammar

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

**A/N: Accidentally posted the same chapter twice. XD You'd think that, having over 150 fics, I wouldn't make that kind of mistake. Apparently this is not true.**

* * *

Artemis sighed at the computer screen. He had been writing an email to Holly, was right in the middle of it, but he had stopped dead in his tracks to stare at the last sentence he had typed.

_According to Butler, I am not allowed to cause him another stressful crisis for at least a week, lol._

He couldn't take his eyes off of it. The last word... no, it wasn't really a word. The... _chat script_ that had somehow slipped through.

"Lol."

It was like the lollipop incident, only indescribably worse.

Silently, deliberately, he deleted the email, then removed every trace of it from his computer.


End file.
